Hungry

So I'm still sitting here at the computer. Pathetic aren't I? Trying to play around with this blogging thing. Very new to me. And my stomach is GROWLING. Wish I was motivated to go to the gym. Wish I had the energy. Wish I had the willpower. Very depressed, very disappointed in myself.. I am the ultimate loser.

I have never been thin. I have never been under the disillusion that I was perhaps thin at one time. I have tried, but even as a child I can remember having a wintercoat that I hated to wear because I knew it made me look fat.. and I was in kindergarten when I knew this. I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone talked about everyone, which I guess could be how most neighborhoods are. But the mothers in my neighborhood would tell my mother how they thought I was fat and needed to lose weight, despite that some of their girls were twice my size. I don't know how some people turn around and say such things to someone else. Their kids weren't any better. Whether or not they were bigger than me, I was always made fun of. I have my 10 year reunion this weekend that I don't think I will be attending. I'm still not skinny. Not ever going to be. I've seen pics of the people going - most attending with spouses, fiancees, or significant others - and they all look like they haven't eaten a meal since high school. I'm embarassed. I live at home, I have no significant other in my life, and I'm fat.

This morning I looked at mypyramid.gov which I had been following for awhile a few months ago. I think I'm going to try to follow that again. I don't even know anymore what the target weight I should be at is. I read the numbers on the page and it says one thing but I remember being 102 lbs and being told I was too fat for someone who was 5' 2". I'm very angry this morning having my memories. I apologize to anyone who is even reading this because I am just all over the place. My dad was a diabetic and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. He'd reward a good report card with a trip to Friendly's or Carvel and then the whole way home call me a fat, disgusting pig. I hate living at home. My mother has never had a weight issue, my sister appears bulimic, and then there's me. I request lighter, healthier foods and such crap gets brought into the house. Or the healthy foods I bring in get used up and ruined before I even get a crack at them.

I think I am going to have a bowl of Banana Nut Crunch Cereal with some fat free Lactaid milk. I had a cup of Madagascar Tea with some sugar this morning. Probably wasn't the best choice. I do need to eat something though because I have to take my medication. I hate this. I really friggin' hate this. I am so disgusted with myself. I watched the Biggest Loser last night. Amanda was able to stay - made it to the final 4. Good for her. I can understand how she feels, but I miss Rebecca on the show. I feel I could relate best to her. I dunno.

Off to gorge myself on breakfast. Maybe I will toss a banana in there too.

Wish I could backdate this

I am sitting here in front of my computer at 7:20 in the morning feeling the overwhelming need to vent. I'm also sitting here shaking my head.. at myself.. for putting off blogging. I guess I thought that it was self-indulgent.. and intrusize, although I'd be the one responsible for divulging anything. I have such anxiety building about going back to work tonight and I've only missed 3 shifts due to being legitimately sick. I guess part of it is past experience has taught me you're not always welcomed back warmly when you've been sick. It just means others had to pick up the slack in your absence. I hate that feeling. I could understand it if I hopped on a plane and laid out on a beach all week or something. Instead I've been here propped up all week popping one prescription after another. Another part of my anxiety I think goes to the fact that I'll be working with someone whose standards I apparently don't meet. I'm new at my job.. not the profession, just the focus. And this individual I believe does mean well, however, she comes across so abrasive that I have left work and cried the whole way home at least twice after spending a shift with her.

On a good note, my temp this morning was 98.1. It's been almost 3 days now since I last had one. It appears that my sinus congestion has decreased and I've been able to blow my nose without much difficulty. I'm still taking Robitussin DM Max (which resembles gorilla glue from AC Moore) around the clock although I'm not sure if I need as much as I'm afraid what could happen if I actually stop taking it (vomiting and almost peeing myself from coughing was not fun!).

The birds outside sound like they're having a party. I don't know what they're so chipper about. It's a dreary overcast day. Thankful I have nothing to do but sleep the day away today before work. Well nothing to do other than toss a few things into the laundry.

So the plan for the day is to eat a little breakfast so I can take my medication, wake the sleeping beast and take the dog out, shower, toss stuff in the laundry, go back to bed, get up and ready for a fun filled night at work.

Thank you to anyone who took any time out of their busy day to read this. Sorry I'm not more interesting or exciting. However, I do feel a bit better being able to "vent" a little this morning.