Hungry

So I'm still sitting here at the computer. Pathetic aren't I? Trying to play around with this blogging thing. Very new to me. And my stomach is GROWLING. Wish I was motivated to go to the gym. Wish I had the energy. Wish I had the willpower. Very depressed, very disappointed in myself.. I am the ultimate loser.

I have never been thin. I have never been under the disillusion that I was perhaps thin at one time. I have tried, but even as a child I can remember having a wintercoat that I hated to wear because I knew it made me look fat.. and I was in kindergarten when I knew this. I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone talked about everyone, which I guess could be how most neighborhoods are. But the mothers in my neighborhood would tell my mother how they thought I was fat and needed to lose weight, despite that some of their girls were twice my size. I don't know how some people turn around and say such things to someone else. Their kids weren't any better. Whether or not they were bigger than me, I was always made fun of. I have my 10 year reunion this weekend that I don't think I will be attending. I'm still not skinny. Not ever going to be. I've seen pics of the people going - most attending with spouses, fiancees, or significant others - and they all look like they haven't eaten a meal since high school. I'm embarassed. I live at home, I have no significant other in my life, and I'm fat.

This morning I looked at mypyramid.gov which I had been following for awhile a few months ago. I think I'm going to try to follow that again. I don't even know anymore what the target weight I should be at is. I read the numbers on the page and it says one thing but I remember being 102 lbs and being told I was too fat for someone who was 5' 2". I'm very angry this morning having my memories. I apologize to anyone who is even reading this because I am just all over the place. My dad was a diabetic and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. He'd reward a good report card with a trip to Friendly's or Carvel and then the whole way home call me a fat, disgusting pig. I hate living at home. My mother has never had a weight issue, my sister appears bulimic, and then there's me. I request lighter, healthier foods and such crap gets brought into the house. Or the healthy foods I bring in get used up and ruined before I even get a crack at them.

I think I am going to have a bowl of Banana Nut Crunch Cereal with some fat free Lactaid milk. I had a cup of Madagascar Tea with some sugar this morning. Probably wasn't the best choice. I do need to eat something though because I have to take my medication. I hate this. I really friggin' hate this. I am so disgusted with myself. I watched the Biggest Loser last night. Amanda was able to stay - made it to the final 4. Good for her. I can understand how she feels, but I miss Rebecca on the show. I feel I could relate best to her. I dunno.

Off to gorge myself on breakfast. Maybe I will toss a banana in there too.